a long one.

i went to church tonight. a big church. with a pretty well-known worship leader on staff (however, this person wasn't leading the music). I wont mention names.

i was disappointed.

I've been disappointed for a long time, for about a year. we haven't been going to a church regularly. and i don't know if i want to, to be honest.

i've had different thoughts and ideas and realizations about "church" and it's very hard for me to go to one these days.

I am warning ya, if you're a "church-goer" or whatever, know that I'm being very honest with my feelings, and they are just my feelings, who knows if they are right or wrong. I don't mean to offend anyone or any church. I am just blogging about my feelings right now or what they have been for about the last year.

I grew up in a church, every sunday, every sunday night (when they had those services), every wednesday, every convention, camp, church outting, most of the mission trips, i was there. and i enjoyed it. the nights that i didn't attend a service (which was rare) i felt like my life wasn't complete and i was missing out on that night. i was honestly disappointed in not going or not being apart of that service. my friends, family, mentors, they were all in church with me, and they were my circle. rarely I hung out with someone outside of that group.

I had many great times and many bad times within the walls of the church. late night hide and seek in the church, water balloon fights. pulling the church wheel chair which was being occupied by a friend behind a car in the snowy parking lot. worship nights, prayer mornings before school every week. jamming out with a band. lots of laughing, lots of crying. lots of questioning, lots of excitement.

I have worked at multiple churches, had great times with those too. From the hidden sushi that i had in my office for days, even weeks, before i found it all, on the edge of dying from the smell, to the "run-in" with the UPS truck. And then there is always the time when I saw a friend slide down a huge slip-n-slide, literally, like a fish. he was wrapped in saran wrap and still to this day that vision makes me laugh out loud. again, many late nights, by myself, playing piano and singing. worshipping, praying. leading on stage with the band.

now i sit, haven't been to church regularly for the last year, thinking great memories, but not regretting our decision with choosing not to attend a church.

my view of church has changed. Finally, i have had the option to be an "attender" instead of a "worker/worship leader" and what i have seen or thought in the last year is a thought that if i was still working in a church, i would be offended...so anyone involved, again, don't mean to make ya offended. just merely my thoughts.

I am disappointed. and i know what you're thinking, well how can you say anything, if you haven't been in church a long time...what right do you have?? i know, i don't have the right, but i'm still going to say it.

tonight i attended a saturday night service at a local church, the first thing I noticed was the lighting they had. It was impressive, but literally, the first question I thought of, “hmm, I wonder how much this set’em back?” Then the music kicked in, it definitely was professionals up on stage. They did a good job.

Through it all, the lights, the music, the printed information, the building itself, which was all very nice, I couldn’t help but wonder, Is this the kind of church God imagined? Is this the church he was intending to build in Matt 16:18?

I want to say, NO. this isn’t the kind of church God imagined. It’s taking quite a leap in saying that, but honestly, I don’t think it is the same church.

Why do we do church today? Is it just to fill that routine in our lives? Is it to get fed? Is it to say, “we go to a ‘COOL’ church? Is it about fellowship? Is it to relieve some stress in our lives?

For me, my new ideas/thoughts, church is not the slightest bit of “show,” and it’s shameful to me, that I once thought of church to be that way. I thought, “I can get friends here to church, because we have good music and a cool light show.”

sometimes i wonder if we just stripped all the lights, music, atmosphere, or whatever else in the church, away, and lived lives literally just like Jesus', people would not careless about all that other stuff, they would just want to have a life like the other folks and Jesus. Peace, love, kindness, ya know, fruits of the spirit. I would even bet, all that other stuff wouldn't even come into ones' mind. They would be attracted to Jesus, through our lives, not through the church we go to. In fact the "church building" wouldn't even play a part, most likely. Unless it was to meet more people living just like Jesus, no rumors, no gossip, no lying, no whatever.

I don’t know if I’m overly tired or just in need of complete insight, but really, why do we do church?

For the last year, I have had a “vision” or a thought in my head, I imagined a department store. (and for those in love with church, I would stop reading right now…I don’t mean to offend anyone)

Macy’s. We love have been in one. You got your different departments, mens, womens, teens(girls & boys), kids, babies, fragrance, jewelry, home, shoes, etc.

I see church as a department store. I may get kind of confusing right now.
You have all the same departments/ministries, mens, womens, kids, teens, home, etc.

All the ministries are there to help you become a “better” you. In the store’s case, they want you to look better and spend your money at their store, for all metaphoric purposes. The church is the same, there are all different ministries to suit your needs. Anyways, so far, not a problem.

Here’s the problem I see, I FEEL that the church has a “salesman/woman” mentality on a unconscious level. The lead pastor (head manager) wants to get people into the church (store) and he tends be the best salesman of all. The associates want to sell the church(items) to the people (customers), not necessarily for their own agenda, but just because they want to see them feel good (look good). Overall, the church (store) wants regular attenders (customers).

I know, this sounds brash. I know and having grown up in the church, it is kind of a weird feeling saying all this, but it’s so deep in my thoughts and my heart to share.

I never will forget one of my former pastors had said one Sunday, “the church needs to be a hospital, not a country club.”

Going to some new churches in the past year…I have felt as a “first timer” like a lot of churches have become their own little community country club.

Now I’m not bashing having community (I believe the early church was all about community), but what about the needy, the poor, the orphans? Have we focused on getting a cool church instead of one that helps the helpless?

So I know you’re probably asking, then Katie, what you YOU doing to change this? What are you doing to change the church or help the helpless?

To be honest, not a whole lot right now. This is all a new process for me. I grew up believeing one thing and that one thing is transforming into a new “one thing.” If that makes any sense at all.

I have passions, like everyone. I have dreams, they haven’t been in my life for a while, but while I’m thinking about all this for the last, however long, my mind and my heart are conjuring up ways I can help or do something.

I really feel like something has to change. I really feel God has something bigger for us if our hearts are open to be stripped of all we believe and we know.

Tradition is bittersweet. Sweet because history and tradition has some really great attributes and taught us great lessons, but bitter, because, since it’s tradition, we don’t really question it, we just do it. I think we need to think outside of “tradition” however good or bad it is and be open to new things.

I’m not talking “new age” crap. I’m talking real stuff. Being real with God, being real in relationships, being real in our everyday lives w/ strangers and the familiar. I’m talking about being so real that it hurts bad, but so worth it in the end.

I have A LOT to learn and hopefully by YOU!!! I said a lot of my own opinions tonight and I would love to hear what you think.

Again, I truly do not mean to offend anyone, people in ministry, Christians, family, friends, etc. I am just getting it off my chest and hope that if you have any advice or thoughts, please share!










PS…I know some of you know that I have had some ups and downs with ministry and church and I want to make it clear that none of this is out of bitterness towards the church. There is no bitterness. I’m just eager to learn new things and hear others opinions.